“Saddam, I’ll have to ring you back!”
©2003 by Pascal Ryan
“Hello, Mr. Hussein,” the heavily accented voice said over the phone. “This is Paschal Ryan, from over the hump in Pahrump, Nevada, U.S.A. I am ringing to inform you, Saddam, we are officially going to declare war on you.”
“Paddy, me lad, this is important news. Tell me, what made you make such a decision?”
“Well, Saddam, we have reliable information that it was you, when you attended the Baghdad University, who spread that deadly virus across your country and is spreading throughout the world.”
“Another ‘tall story’ spread by Bush. Tell me, how big is your army?”
“Well, Saddam, We have an international force at the ready. There’s myself, and two strong combat veterans, Kit and Bill. We have Joel, James, Robin, Nancy, Elaine, Joan, and we have Mae from Minnesota, and a new recruit, Mary Ellen, from Upstate New York. That makes eleven of us in all, Saddam. As you can see, we are a force to be reckoned with.”
“I must tell you, Paschal, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“One million? Oh my God, I’ll have to ring you back, Saddam.”
Sure enough, the next day Paschal rang back. “Right, Saddam, the war is still on. We just must put a stop to you spreading this deadly virus and other weapons of mass destruction that we know you have. Besides, we managed to get some fresh weapons.”
“What are you bull-shitting about, fresh weapons?”
“Well, we got a bulldozer, donated by Ron Murphy. We got a tractor donated by Ace Hardware here in Pahrump. We have Kitson’s pick-up, and I got this Jeep 4 by 4, from the Three Amigos.”
Saddam sighed, at Paschal’s Mighty Armed Force. “I must tell you, Paddy me lad, that I have fifteen thousand tanks, and ten thousand personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million men since we last spoke.”
“Oh my God, Saddam, I’ll ring you back.”
Sure enough, the next day Paschal rang Saddam back. “Right’o, Saddam, the war is still on. We have to remove you from power. We managed to get in the air. Somehow, with some special parts we got from Saitta/Trudeau, in Pahrump, we managed to get the Tractor and Jeep airborne. They are now Ultra-Lights, with a couple of rifles in the cockpits. We also managed to get some aliens from just up the road at Groom Lake.”
Saddam was silent after listening to Paddy describe his vast army, then said; “Paddy, me boyo, I must inform you that I have fifteen thousand bombers and fifteen thousand MiG attack planes that I got from my friend, Boris. My military complexes are full of Laser Guided Surface-to-Air Missiles, and since we last spoke, I have now two million men in my army.”
“Oh my God, Saddam, I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, the next day Paschal rang Saddam back.
“Right, Mr. Hussein, I’m sorry to tell you that we have called off the war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Saddam said to Paschal. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well, Saddam, after we gave this some painstaking consideration, we thought we’d turn the matter over to the ‘heavy hitters.’ You see, we really don’t have enough food to feed two million prisoners. Wham-bam; goodbye Saddam. Good luck with Dubya.”