Approx. 1,258 words
©5/2002
www.get-even.com
W. E. Lopez
TO: www.get-even.com
FROM: Broken
Hearted
Dear Sir: I am in
desperate need of your assistance.
Wednesday of this week should have been the happiest day of my life as
Billy-Joe and I were to be married.
Unfortunately, the night before our wedding, Bubba-Tom and Jim-Bob took
Billy-Joe out for the traditional “bachelor party.” They got him to drinkin’
until he didn’t know what he were doing, then they put
him on a plane for
I want to get back at Bubba-Tom and
Jim-Bob so they will understand exactly what it is like to be hurt the way I
have.
PS: I
also need to get Billy-Joe home so we can get hitched
before my Paw finds out I’m in a family way.
* * *
FROM: www.get-even.com
TO: Broken Hearted
Dear BH: You are not
the first person I have helped obtain retribution for this sort of prank. The first thing I recommend you do is to
reschedule your wedding. Billy-Joe will
be home before you know it.
Next, I suggest you and several of
your girl friends celebrate with a bachelorette party
at Guys R Us. Perhaps, after hearing
your story they will each chip in and put you on a plane for
* *
*
FROM: Happy in
Seattle
TO: www.get-even.com
Dear Sir:
You were right about the bachelorette
party. The male strippers were a real
hoot, cept Donna-Ann said they was queers cuz they didn’t even look at her boobs which is about the
biggest in all of Paw-Paw County, an most of the guys say they could about poke
yer eyes out plumb across the room. After they each had a few beers, Betty-Sue,
Donna-Ann and Patty-Bell each chipped in and bought me a plane ticket for
Billy-Joe and I have been
savin’ our money and in just two more weeks we should have enough to take the bus back home.
I’m very greatful
to you and just thought you should know.
* *
*
FROM: www.get-even.com
TO: Happy
I was happy to hear that you have rescheduled
your wedding and you can rest assured that Bubba-Tom and Jim-Bob will not be
attending. Many happy
returns of the day to you and Billy-Joe.
* *
*
FROM: Married
in Mule Shoe
TO: www.get-even.com
Dear Sir:
I want to thank you for the beautiful batch of flowers you sent for my
wedding. Maw said they wuz white orchids an they wuz lovelier than the freshest daisy’s I’ve ever seed.
That trick you was about
to pull on Bubba-Tom would have been a great one, I’m
sure. Putting methanol in the gas tank
of Bubba-Tom’s ol’ pickup sure pepped her up
some. But
Bubba-Tom felt bad about the trick they had pulled on Billy-Joe, so Bubba give
his pickup to us as a weddin’ present afore he ever
drove it.
Billy-Joe thought it was
the shiniest truck he ever did see, and decided to enter it in the July 4th
Dirt Track Scramble, but he didn’t know that pickup
could go so darned fast. We was in a hurry to get to the race-track afore starting time,
and Billy-Joe really held the pedal to the metal. Unfortunately, the other cars wuz two laps ahead of us before we
even crossed the starting line. That
didn’t matter cause of what you done to the gas tank, and Billy-Joe won that
race two laps ahead of ever one else.
That was when he found
out the brakes weren’t no good, so he didn’t get to stop at the winners circle
where Betty-Sue was decked out in her skimpiest bikini and fixing to give him a
big smoocheroo along with the $15,000 check for first
place.
Instead, Billy-Joe went
plumb off the track and smashed into Jim-Bob’s pink Cadillac. Jim-Bob weren’t partickly upset, except his pet possum, Jethro,
got smashed in the crackup too. Jim-Bob
really loved that possum, fer sure.
Anyway, we spent $12,000
of the prize money while Billy-Joe was in the hospital getting hisself fixed up, then we give
Jim-Bob $2,500 so he could build a memorial fer Jethro. What wuz left over we used for a down-payment
on a nearly new trailer for Billy-Joe and myself. We’ve even begun
decorating a room for the baby that’s almost due. Well, it has been six
months since the weddin you know. People wuz
beginning to ask if I was infertile or something?
* *
*
FROM: www.get-even.com
TO:
Married
It gladdens me to hear how well things have
worked out for you, and I really appreciate the photo of Jethro
before his accident. I’ll
display it proudly upon my desk for all to see.
Just one more little chore and my business will be finished. Ta-Ta now!
* *
*
FROM: New
Mother
TO: www.get-even.com
Dear Sir:
I don’t know how you managed it, but watching
that sink-hole open up beneath Jim-Bob’s trailer was the funniest thang I ever seed.
Jim-Bob didn’t much want to leave his home,
even though it was going down for the third time like the Titanic. So’s he clumbed up on the roof and was hoping he could save some
stuff if the trailer ever stopped sinkin’. Then the front-end of the trailer pointed
down and disappeared while Jim-Bob was scratchin and
clawing his way toward the back and trying to stay atop ever thang.
Just afore the trailer
sunk plumb outtasite, Jim-Bob made an amazing leap
and grabbed onta the hickory tree next’ta
the little-house and the trailer disappeared forever.
Jim-Bob weren’t hurt none, until he found out abut the hornets nest
in the hickory tree. He was black and
blue and puffed up most of three weeks, like one of Macy’s balloons I seed on
television.
It warn’t a total loss though, cuz
Billy-Joe took pitchers of the whole thing with his new V-Dee-Oh Kamra and we sent them inta
An that’s why I have one more
favor to ask of you, sir. Billy-Joe and
Bubba-Tom and Jim-Bob is all great drinkin and huntin buddies again, so would you
please stop helping me from now on? I’d
hate to see Billy-Joe get hurt just cause he was close
by while you was trickin the other two.
My daughter will be six
weeks old come Satiddy, and Billy-Joe is proud as
punch when he plays with her. He didn’t even ask why I wanted to put her name down the way I
did on the birth certificut, he only wanted to know
how to pronounce Git-Yvonne.